If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
moms in horror movies
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*