@MarkusJ

finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet

You Might Also Like

@bourgeoisalien

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

@DadZZZasleep

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

@SadieSmithRoks

A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.

@sonictyrant

[Gas Station]

CASHIER: okay, 2 slim jims, a bag of skittles, a car air freshener, an Archie comic, and a minion doll, that’ll be $17.62

ME: great, do u gift wrap? gotta get these under the tree before the wife wakes up

@MotherJonestown

STAGES OF DRUNK:

1. Wow. I can dance.
2. All hats look GOOD on me.
3. Shhh. Don’t wake up the cows.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

@Cravin4

There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.

@AbbieEvansXO

GHOST TEEN: [sneaks back in at 2am]
GHOST MUM: [waiting up 4 him] you’re busted!
GHOST DAD: Jesus Karen ground him don’t BUST him holy shit