“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
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They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Feels
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.