Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
You Might Also Like
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I feel it
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
This could be us… but you playing
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!