Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
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Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
50% avoiding getting up to pee
A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.