@RobDenBleyker

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

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@polksalad

Just found out my cat lied about being pregnant just to try and save our relationship and cover up for getting fat.

@l0ttiehall

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

@Jmboyd58

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

@Marcmywords2

Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.

@leechee420

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

@CaptainJerkwad

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

@thinkcomedy

A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it’s 3am. And you’re home alone. And you don’t have a baby

@OctopusCaveman

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.