Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
You Might Also Like
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Yes my dude
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys