Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
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cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Guantanamo Bae
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women