Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best

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[Rorschach test]
Patient: Leprechauns in cheetah print unitards kickflipping over flaming tree stumps
Dr: I think we can skip the others


[hits blunt]

how come i dont pee bubbles when i drink Sprite

[hits it again]

ah guess its ok, wouldn’t want a tingly dingus


Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.


[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea


me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?


kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…


A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.


“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily


My kids: what are we having for…