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@Mehrwane

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

@LoveNLunchmeat

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

@ZAKagan

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

@iamjohnsarris

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

@samalmightysam

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

@goodthyngs

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

@MyMomologue

Bedtime:

Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back