Finally!
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe