Finally!
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There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Girl, same.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.