If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Finals come around and now you like the library?
Name 3 of their songs
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Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I bet the Mayans made great boyfriends because they’re always wrong about everything.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
ME: Sure is beautiful here
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair