If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
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I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.