FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
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I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Breakfast for Stoners:
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
That time Alicia messaged me