Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
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Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
No, I don’t think I will.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?