Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
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Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Left at a local drug store…
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.