[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
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10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system