FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

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Me: Do you have a crush on me?

Priest: I don’t think you understand how confessional booths are supposed to work.


People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?


“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*


Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk


I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.


[when I’m home]

me: *uses the same towel for {Censored} days in a row*

[at a hotel]

me: (calling the front desk) yea hi can you send up a few more towels I used up the 4 you gave me and I haven’t even showered yet


Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.


Few people have the balls to admit when they’re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.


My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”