@KentWGraham

FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.

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@djzerophat

Me: Do you have a crush on me?

Priest: I don’t think you understand how confessional booths are supposed to work.

@UnFitz

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

@PinkCamoTO

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

@reallifemommy3

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

@1okhooker

I’m blocking anyone I think is funnier than me. If you see this you are safe.

@jazz_inmypants

[when I’m home]

me: *uses the same towel for {Censored} days in a row*

[at a hotel]

me: (calling the front desk) yea hi can you send up a few more towels I used up the 4 you gave me and I haven’t even showered yet

@tyrannees

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

@byrdie_num_num

Few people have the balls to admit when they’re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.

@thepaulahunt

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”