Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
You Might Also Like
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m in glove with you.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.