Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
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Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.