Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

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People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.


In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.


Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”


Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?


DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]


HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.


my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”


I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she’s still alive.


Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.