Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
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Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person