Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
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Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.