Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
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WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh