A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?