Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
You Might Also Like
So we got a goldfish…
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*