phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
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Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
tell em, edith-anne
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.