Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
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I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.