@KevinFarzad

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

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@OmarNajam

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

@anerdonfire2

It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in

@TheMichaelRock

Sorry I shot your SUV but it’s deer season, I saw the antlers and I panicked.

@okimstillhungry

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

@AlexvanBeek

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

@mela_shea

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

@thatUPSdude

10 bucks says Kanye signed the guest book at his own wedding.

@jqfonseca

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer