I’ll eat when I’m dead
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
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My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop