Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
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a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.