[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
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My roommate wouldn’t let me name our wireless network ‘Bill Wi the Science Fi’ because he has no sense of humor.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My cape keeps getting caught in the wheels of my scooter, so don’t tell me about your problems.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*