Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

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I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains


When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.


Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi


My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.


I wonder what my future wife is doing right now..
Hopefully modeling.


If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out


Dear Microsoft, If you had called it “Bang” instead of “Bing,” you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I banged Sofia Vergara last night.


“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss


People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.


God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].