@SarcasticAlly12

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

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@seamussaid

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

@Glorificus917

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.

@Heissarcastic

Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi

@MissHavisham

My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.

@OVO_Ty15

I wonder what my future wife is doing right now..
Hopefully modeling.

@CharlieDontSrf

If I were an old Chinese man I would never say anything, just nod and laugh strategically to freak people out

@ark506

Dear Microsoft, If you had called it “Bang” instead of “Bing,” you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I banged Sofia Vergara last night.

@NotLane

“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss

@difficultpatty

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].