Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
From my Mom