Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
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Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?