Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
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Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money