Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
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The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
what?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]