Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
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Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Me My dog
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!