Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

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A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.


ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.


thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit


Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers

Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus


I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.


The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.


I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.


Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.


Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?