Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
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DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no