A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
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ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Just realized why my Grandpa called his sideburns thigh ticklers
Excuse me guys while I go walk in front of a bus
I’m lazy, though. I get down to my last outfit before washin anything. You’ll see me at a bar with a wedding dress on, just chilling.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?