if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah