My name is Inigo Ducktoya.
You ate our father.
Prepare to die.
Finding a suitable boyfriend after 40 is like trying to thread a needle while riding a mechanical bull.
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Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …
would bay to leaf him.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…