@VexingVixxen

Finding a suitable boyfriend after 40 is like trying to thread a needle while riding a mechanical bull.

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@david_j_roth

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

@SteveKoehler22

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

@theevilwriter

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

@fro_vo

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

@StevioSquared

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

@josh___grant

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

@sixfootcandy

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.