Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
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“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Human are so complicated
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking