For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
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her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.