@SkinnerSteven

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

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@mrjohndarby

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

@TomSchally

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

@amandajpanda

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

@david8hughes

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

@wilw

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

@upsidedowntrash

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

@PrivacyAttorney

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

@AnniemuMary

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.