Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
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Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
First I was a pebble..
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin