Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
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fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?