Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
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I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Pot warmers of the day.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.