opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
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If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.