Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
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Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I don’t want to have sex with you, but I don’t want anyone else to either.
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Me: Can you leave early then?
[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]
I know Twitter, I know.
That’s why I’m here.