Finding Nemo 3:

Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.

Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.

Nemo’s mom finds them.

It’s a revenge tale.

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Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.


Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor


if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.


Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)


I don’t want to have sex with you, but I don’t want anyone else to either.



Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.


Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.


Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?


[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]

I know Twitter, I know.

That’s why I’m here.