@Buttija

Finding Nemo. Grilling Nemo. Eating Nemo.

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@dulcetry

Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.

Two words: DUCK HUNT

@ZSmooth2

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

@AndrewChamings

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

@Jandalize

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

@chudneyspears

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

@dadopotamus

“What do you like to do in your free time?”

Golf.

“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”

8 years ago.

@Jandalize

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

@sophie_mhj

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

@thentherewasmo

Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it’s going to be stuck that way forever