@Buttija

Finding Nemo. Grilling Nemo. Eating Nemo.

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@_GrahamPatrick

LIAM NEESON: I have a peculiar set of skills.
ME: I think the line is ‘particular’.
LIAM NEESON: Nope!

*He rollerblades away juggling dogs*

@Epygma

“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*sweats nervously*
I C-CAN’T
“Why?”
*shoots friend next to him*
I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND’S FUNERAL

@ginadivittorio

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

@BigBec43

*does something weird*

*looks around for witnesses*

*sees no one*

*does something weird, LOUDER*

@WheelTod

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

@nayele18

Meant to tell my daughter “Good night, I love you,” but it came out as “Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit”

@NicestHippo

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

@DrakeGatsby

[Bar]

Her: I hate drinking alone.

Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.

@Mr_Kapowski

*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
*I follow*

Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*