my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
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Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.