@Buttija

Finding Nemo. Grilling Nemo. Eating Nemo.

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@daddydoubts

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

@OneFunnyMummy

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

@sixfootcandy

BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?

ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?

BOSS: Sure. Busy day?

ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.

@SarahFemme

I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.

@philmann

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

@SortaBad

“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*

@dadmann_walking

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

@Douchekevin

Anyone who says ‘they wish they could be a fly on the wall’ has clearly never been attacked by a woman with a rolled up newspaper.

@LostFelicia

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

@HenpeckedHal

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?