Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
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“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…