Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
🐕🍷
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.