@Ray_stephan

Finding out your ex has a bad life is like finding 100 $ in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

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@TheBoydP

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

@discountzen

I told my husband that instead of leaving his dirty dishes on the counter, he should leave them in 1952 so a nice housewife cleans them up.

@Holy_Mowgli

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

@UnFitz

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

@ClamDive

Blood is thicker than water, so I’m going to have to use Comet on this bathtub

@VictorscarletJ

I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?

@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

@audipenny

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

@cosmicbibi

Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.

@TheToddWilliams

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?