After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
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[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write