*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Thrilling chase underway
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.