Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

A couple who are silly together stay together.

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.

My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.