[finds money in jacket]
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

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Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.


If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich


Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.


People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.


What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.


Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You


Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.


At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.


(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!


Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen