[finds money in jacket]
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

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How can you go broke making Twinkies when two states just legalized marijuana?


I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.


6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.


Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.



-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning


I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem.

I threw my scale out.


I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.


Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.


SWAT: give up the hostages

RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that


I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards