Him: you’re so cool
Him: …and aloof
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
[finds money in jacket]
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
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We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning
BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids’ most annoying toys in the trunk.
[invention of wine]
guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years
guy: to drink it, obviously
friend: are u okay
Always the bridesmaid, never the cartoon pie luring you to a stranger’s windowsill with those little aroma lines