@internetluke

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

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@junejuly12

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

@BunAndLeggings

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

@theNuzzy

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

@rockymomax

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

@drknstormynite

DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning

BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead

@ArfMeasures

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

@kurteichenwald

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

@MUMSIEesq

Anytime I pass an unlocked minivan I throw a few of my kids’ most annoying toys in the trunk.

@randypaint

[invention of wine]

guy: i squished some grapes then let the juice sit for a couple years

friend: why

guy: to drink it, obviously

friend: are u okay

@ThisLocalHater

Always the bridesmaid, never the cartoon pie luring you to a stranger’s windowsill with those little aroma lines