@internetluke

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

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@sir_shithead_I

Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.

@iscoff

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

@tastefactory

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

@SteveSuckington

What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.

@hiren_aajra

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

@TheBeerGuy_

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

@NotThatKevin

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

@rn_murse

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

@Parkerlawyer

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen