[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
You Might Also Like
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Cake!!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Oh thanks BBC.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I wish I were this cool 😂
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs