INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
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I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I have a really bad stomach ache, I hope it’s an alien.
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away
Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!