* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.


I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.


me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]


“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid


I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly


Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*


[Parent-Teacher Conference]

Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away

Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!