* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
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REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots